I got drunk today.

It's been something of a curiosity for me. Being Irish (heck yes) I've been wondering if my heritage would predispose me to be able to hold my drinks like what's-her-name from the Indiana Jones movies. As I am underage, however, I was not inclined to break the law in order to find out. Yet laying awake until 3:30 in the morning, I decided what the heck. I would be at home. I would hide my car keys. And I would see how far I could get through a bottle of 16% vermouth.
NYAH
I am smarter than I sound, I promise.
So yeah, I got up around 11:30. My mother was at her nannying job, so I made myself a bagel as a buffer, drank a glass of water, and set a timer for 30 minutes. Then I poured myself a 4 oz shot and slugged it down. Never been much for the flavor of alcohol; I once drank a bottle of little girl Smackers (like the flavored lip balm....c'mon guys) kid's perfume and the flavor stuck with me. The vermouth wasn't bad...kind of neutral with a hint of basil(?). Thirty minutes later, another 4 oz. By the third I was definitely buzzed. It was nice. I was tingly and felt like I just had my lips enlarged in a vacuum hose.
4
5
6 was funny. I have no idea how I made it up the stairs to puke in the toilet, but I sternly told myself after wondering how the room managed to spin and change shape at the same time that I was going to go back down the stairs on my rear. Didn't. I managed not to fall, or at least saved it until I was in my kitchen, where I had some funky photons flying furiously somewhere in front of my eyeballs. Which made me puke again in the downstairs bathroom. Hey, for having three bathrooms total in my house, not only did I manage to puke in two of them, but I also puked in two of them. I hate vomit. I hate cleaning it up even more.
Now, don't ask me how from The Position I managed to make it up the stairs to my room to grab my phone, then come back down again without destroying myself while answering it. Lo and behold, my mother. I think she said she wanted to take me to Firestone to get my tires checked. Which meant finding my keys (I thought I had hid them on the third stair, but they were really on my coffee table) and I knew I was in no condition to drive, much less comprehend what my mother was actually saying to me. So of course, I coughed it up XD
"Mom, if I did something really stupid, would you be mad at me?"
"Well that depends. What did you do?"
"Um, I'm drunk."





"You've got to be kidding me."
"No, I'm pretty drunk."




"Alright I'm on my way home."

By the time I stood up to collapse back down on the couch, I ran into a doorjamb, two walls, and the couch itself before actually managing to collapse onto it. My mom got home about ten minutes later, and started saying something to the effect of whatdidyoudrinkhowmuchwhereisthebottle. When she found it (I later saw the remnants of its contents myself) she immediately peered into my eyes like the fantastic nurse that she is.
"Did you break the seal yourself?"
I laughed, then cried, then laughed again.
"Yes"
"Did you know you drank the whole thing?"



"No I didn't I ate a bagel and drank water and crackers before I started are you mad?" I have no idea how i got that whole thing in my system in six shots. I think I probably had more than that.
"No I'm not mad."
I proceeded to get up and fall back down in the kitchen.
I think I asked her about forty times if she was mad or worried. Then I watched a movie and took a nap.
And woke up fine.

Moral of the story, I'm glad I did it, because now I know how ridiculous getting drunk is. Yeah sure it was cute because I was laughing like an idiot and crying like a baby and saying some really stupid things, running into walls, and falling all over the place. I'm also glad that I had no ideas where my car keys were, because if I had gotten behind the wheel in that condition I would have killed someone and perhaps even myself. I drank the whole bottle, but I also puked a bunch of it back up. I hate to puke. It was stupid. I could have really hurt myself going up and down the stairs. I could have lit my house on fire trying to make tea (I did when my mom got home, and she took the lighter for the stove away from me) or given myself alcohol poisoning and been in a lot of trouble. If I had been around other people, I'm sure I would have said some REALLY stupid things and probably ended up somewhere I did not want to be, with someone I did not want to be with.
It was stupid.
I am never doing it again.
But I'm glad that now I can tell people why.